


Attachment Free

by AlexC



Category: Original Work
Genre: Cheating, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Falling In Love, Love Triangles, Multi, Unnamed characters - Freeform, emotional cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 23:22:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15205730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexC/pseuds/AlexC





	Attachment Free

"We have to talk," she tells him, unsure of how to broach the subject. Her stomach was showing, and people were beginning to talk.

_'He knew this would never work... He knew I wasn't as invested,'_  she reasons as he nods, worry shining unconcealed in his eyes. He glances briefly at the hand she balled into a fist over her abdomen, but only for a second as he gazes around the corridor. Only long enough to make her second guess if she was seeing things, or if he knew. But how to start? What to say? She swallows the lump in her throat as she leads him over to the storage room, face etched with a guilty hue.

Once the door is shut, she turns to him. His broad shoulders were just turning to face her, and it is only from his profile that she sees his reaction, but it's enough.

"I'm pregnant."

The pain. The betrayal. The shock, and anger. Emotion after emotion pass over in mere seconds, but he remains frozen. His hand is still firmly holding the doorknob, and his mouth hangs slightly open in denial. He looks like he's trying to say something, but the only sound that comes out is a broken "wha?"

Her heart hammers as his eyes water. He clenches his jaw, and he finally lets go of the doorknob. Now his hands are balled into fists at his side, but besides the visible wet anger in his eyes, he becomes stoic. She fights the urge to turn away from him, the urge to hide because suddenly she realizes that being in a room by herself with the guy who made it clear he wanted to father  _all_  the children she'd have is not such a smart idea. He's taller, stronger. His reach is longer, and his ability to outrun her is extremely evident. And he's in front of the only exit...

"I tried to tell you!" she suddenly exclaims, unable to hold her tongue anymore. She can't bear the hateful look he pours on her. It burns. It burns just as much as the iciness when she first got back and tried to tell him that she couldn't try being with him anymore. He didn't listen. Her words didn't matter. Only the idea that they could still try. But it's been four months, and she knows just how she got pregnant.

She can still feel the muggy heat from after the generator failed. She can still remember the way her already thin, short clothes clung even tighter from all the sweat that started exuding off of her as she waited for the cold air to start again. She couldn't sleep so she went to fill her water bottle up, and then she saw him. The intern. The guy who started crushing on her since the night she arrived. Though she was oblivious. As it was, she had a hard enough time believing her boo at home actually liked her as more than just friends despite the number of times he'd drunkenly confessed in his own way. There was just no way someone could feel like that about her, she argued.

But then she got here on the trip. And she saw him. Her heart fluttered as she looked him over and saw all the things she was most attracted to in men. His thick hair. That laid back ease. Glasses. You just can't beat glasses. And that smile...

Then he introduced himself, and his words were like melted caramel. Sweet and warm, and you can't help wanting more. She cursed herself as she turned away to comment about his attractiveness to a friend, and then caught herself. She had a boo back home. She had someone who already wanted her, and finally admitted as much while sober even if he never actually acted on it.

_'Shut up, Daisy,'_  she mentally scolded, trying to wipe her thoughts of the desire to run her fingers through the intern's hair. Trying to ignore the wish to see his smile again. Trying to remain calm even after she turned back for one more guilty look, and was completely unprepared for the smile and wink combo he threw out for the group as they thanked him and said good night. 

The next day, it was even worse. A day of work where they were both each asked if they were dating anyone, and then asked why neither of them were. They each talked to the same group of curious teens, and they each tried to answer as honestly and as kindly as possible. But for her, she was lost when they started speaking in a third language she did not know (but he did), and his face got just a bit more embarrassed than she'd seen thus far. He had said the kid was just making stuff up to see if she could follow, or if she really knew what they were saying. But there was a mutual understanding she saw among the group that she simply decided to pretend she didn't catch. After work, they all went to the beach. Though she was definitely not going to show her interest, she couldn't help the random comments on how unfair it was that even with wet hair he looked good.

They spent most of their beach day talking, even getting separated from the rest of the group since they were so absorbed in their conversation. He told her about his past experiences there on the island, his history with the group they were working with, and his reasons for deciding to intern there that summer. She asked him about his family, and his likes, and what he hoped to gain from this experience. They talked about the weather, and language, and their experiences with older men. Hers were the awkward kind that made her wary of older men in general. His were the silly kind that made him wonder if, for instance, his ex's godfather was trying to say his ex shouldn't be dating young men like himself, or not to worry if they broke up because there were older men like the intern who could make her just as happy.

Either way, they laughed over their similar experiences, and he helped her come to know what to possibly expect from the people around.

One story she most liked was about the man who spoke no English, and the girl who spoke no Spanish, so there could be no way for them to communicate. Yet the man did what he could to woo her, buying her necklaces and bracelets, and always having someone tell her for him that she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. On her final day on the trip, he wrote an oddly poetic love letter. Not to the woman, but to a tear. The man talked to the tear and asked it why it had left his eye, and it responded that there was no place for it there as there was already one too beautiful within: her.

On the one side, the story was so awkward, and they both agreed rather creepy considering the girl was never interested. But if she had been, and the feelings were mutual, she hated how romantic she found this tale. Romance had no place in her life she argued throughout the years. Even then, with her "not boo," a boy incapable of doing anything more than confess because he needed his feelings to be known, but felt unworthy of actually pursing the girl, she fought against the idea of a romance. Yes, he liked her. And yes, she very much cared for him. But their future together, no matter how developed, would end when she quit at their job in two months time. She would only be a stepping stone for him so that he would finally realize that he is amazing, handsome, and so very much worthy of love. It hurt her heart for her "not boo" to think so lowly of him. At the time, she confused her feelings of protectiveness as feelings of love, but with each day that passed, each day she had to remind herself of him, that she had to imagine their future, that she tried to remain constant to this idea, the more she realized how she was failing him. Her hope was to help, and all she was doing was hurting.

And it hurt even worse when she saw how easy it was with the intern. To the point that others noticed. The morning after that first beach day, the country girl told her that he liked her. She sat behind him on the way back, and she caught the way he stared at her. She saw the way he listened to her, and laughed at the funny things she said, and repeated the words that he liked hearing coming from her tongue. She saw the way he had only eyes for her, even though they sat across from each other, and even though there was someone in between. That was the first day, and the first time she even considered he might like her.

But, “no, there’s no way. Dude barely met me. I’m sure he was just... bored, or something. There’s no way he likes me.”

“Well I saw how he looked at you. But whatever you say.”

That day, he was moved with another group, and the girl was annoyed at how sad the news made her. She wanted more time with him. There were others, sure, who gave her attention. But it was awkward, and uncomfortable. And the feeling was not mutual in the least. Yes, these people were kind, but they weren’t her boo—or the intern.

Everyday, she tried to ignore her attraction. She tried to remind herself of what she had at home. But each day, she failed as she would find some excuse to talk to him. As she found some excuse to sit near him. As she found some excuse to play with her hair while he stared at her with those bright eyes of his, and as she found excuses to have some sort of innocent physical touch.

‘ _I’m just trying to be friendly,’_  she reasoned. She just wanted friendship, she was sure. But each day, she found herself falling harder and harder. Until that fateful day, the night before heading home.

The team had all stayed up late on the roof, reminiscing and chatting. Talking about life back home, and the things that most made them laugh while there. Four of the most adventurous few decided that it would be a great idea to sit on the ledge—a ledge that was five floors too high for her liking, but she was not their mother and would keep her worry as best as she could to herself. But she stayed close to one person in particular. She would not let him fall over, even if it was an unconscious thought. But as the hours passed, and the others left, she found it harder and harder to leave his side. He didn’t seem to notice. He was so absorbed in conversation with the others, while she remained quiet and listened to them. Then they all decided it was too late, and they needed to sleep. They left: the girls going to their section, the guys to theirs, and the intern to his room.

But the night was muggy.

And the heat was worse once the power failed.

Thirst overcame the girl, and so out she went to get water. Not from the water cooler right outside her room as that was too warm. Not from the cooler in the nearby section; that was invading another team’s privacy. So down she went to head to the kitchen’s water... and almost crashed into the intern.

“Hey,” he said, laughing as he caught her before she could fall.

“Hey,” she replied breathlessly, embarrassed but still trying to play it cool.

He saw her water bottle and asked if she was heading to the kitchen for water, which she answered that yes. The water by her room wasn't enough for this too hot night. She needed something fresher. 

He laughed and replied, “Well then, come over here. The water by my room is super cold. Definitely good enough for tonight, I’d say.”

And so she followed. She went up the steps, and down the hall. It was tight, and it was quiet. She measured her own steps further, careful not to wake the people she knew would be around. But he simply walked as usual, carefree and unabashed. When they reached a bend, she saw a dark room to the left behind a gate door, and another to the right. There, he led her into the left room, and let her know this was the best water in all the compound.

“And you’re the only one I’m sharing that with,” he said with a wink. Her heart immediately fluttered, and she was sure her face was red with how easily she blushed around him. She still smiled, and graciously thanked him then for showing her before bending forward and filling up the container.

She heard him inhale sharply then and wondered just why that was. She bit her lip nervously as a certain idea toyed around in her head. To test it, she did what she always does when she’s impatient: she began to fidget around.

Her water bottle  _was_  taking a while too fill up as the water was coming out rather slowly. But then she might or might not have been helping with that by not pushing the lever all the way down. In the quiet of the room and halls, his gulp and sigh were incredibly loud. And intoxicating. 

When she turned to him, she smiled and thanked him, then took a big gulp of the water she had just filled to the brim. He tried to respond, but had to clear his throat so she gently laughed and suggested he grab a drink too. She offered her water bottle, but he shook his head and said he’d grab his real quick. His room was literally right in front of this side hall after all, he assured her. So he headed that way. And she stayed right there and chugged the water only to fill it right back up. But not before hiking her shorts a little higher from the back, and letting her shirt run a little lower in the front. By the time he got back, she was just finishing filling up her water bottle again, but with her bum very much in the air for him to see the moment he entered the room.

And there was that surprised exhale.

And there was that nervous swallowing.

For all the confidence and charisma he conveyed during the time she’d been there, he was rather nervous now. She didn’t know why, but she wasn’t complaining. She liked having control like this. So while he filled up his water bottle, she leaned against the corner, her hip against the left wall, and sipped slowly from her own drink. 

“Is there any bathrooms near by?” she asked then.

He looked at her curiously before quietly responding, “in my room.”

He signaled to her that it was down the hall with his head, then started to walk a step behind her as she quickly took the lead. She made sure to walk with one foot directly in front of the other. Her back was straight, and shoulders back. Growing up, her grandmother used to always tell her to walk with “ _El pecho pa enfrente, y los pompis pa tras._ ” Chest out, and butt back. The women in her family always tried to convince her that she had a nice body, but until now, she never believed it. And until now, she never tried to use it.

But there was an intoxication to being wanted. There was a thrill in being seen. And now, there was an urgency to let him know that even though she came on a missions trip, she was no saintly church girl. He already saw part of that earlier in the day with her dancing on the island they had visited, but she wanted him to see just how much she was able to do—even though she had no clue herself.

Power was intoxicating. 

This power was addictive.

It was worse than alcohol for her because even alcohol didn’t make her lose her inhibitions to  _this_  degree!

And so once they were in his room, and she heard the door  _‘click’_  behind her, she put her water bottle down and stared him down as she asked, “Do you like me?”

He scrunched his eyebrows together in question, but only formed an ‘o’ with his mouth without making a noise. His head titled in confusion, so she continued.

“Because tonight is literally my last night here. And I like you. And you seem to like me. And I’m offering you an attachment free opportunity if you want it because you’re too much of a gentleman to even consider this it seems.”

He chuckled then before replying, “no, I’d considered it before. But you’re always talking about how you’re never getting married or having kids, and telling the girls how sex is only for married people.”

“They literally started saying well then what am I going to do if I get pregnant after having sex then. I needed them to get off my back about me having sex, so that was my excuse. Can’t get pregnant if I never have sex, right?”

He scrunched his face in amusement, laughing at the irony now that she was trying to have sex with him after posing that question. What would the girls think now if they found out! But, who was he to kick a gift horse in the face?

So he shrugged in “defeat,” and replied that she had him there. He took a step towards her, and she sat herself at the edge of his bed. She let her legs spread as he got closer, and soon he was above her, kissing and touching. And soon, she was wrapping her legs around him, groping and disrobing. It wasn’t much of a long night, as they had started well into the midnight hours it seemed. But for what it was worth, it was satisfactory. She left his room before the others could wake up, and slept the minimal amount of time available to avoid arousing suspicion. A difficult task as her body, virgin to the touch of man prior to his point, burned with a senseless heat she could not shake.

The morning passed by in a blur. She distinctly remembered the sweet older cook who had taken a liking to her coming to say goodbye specifically to just her before going to the rest of the group, and it startled her when this woman asked if she would remember the intern as well. With a smirk, she replied that oh yes. There was no way she would forget him. Other than that, she barely saw the time. She barely felt the hours. Before she knew it, she was boarding the bus that would take them to the airport.

And the ride itself was blurry but fun. Singing and dancing, hugging and crying. She was the first to shed ugly tears, but she felt no shame, especially after when she felt herself be pulled into the others’ comforting grasps as they all shared their fair share of hugs.  _His_  hugs were the best though. But as she promised, she’d remain attachment free. He had no commitment to her. So though they sat near each other, and though they made a lot of eye contact, neither made a move to sit closer, or even kiss again.

She wished he would.

But she said it: “attachment free.”

So on the planes, she was out like a rock, regretting not sleeping, but not the reason  _why_  she had no sleep the night before. Only as they passed over a busy Mexican city and she looked out the twinkling streets so far below her, and she glanced out and saw the stars, did she remain wide awake. They were so close. She felt like she could touch them. The stars took her breathe away, just like her experience on the trip.

But once she got home, the depression set in. The guilt when she finally got her phone back, and looking through her social media, she found again the messages from her not boyfriend. The one who said how much he liked her, and wanted to marry her, but always made excuses to not be with her.

But then she had the notification saying she had a new follower: the intern.

They talked every so often, but it was clear by the end of the week, he had lost interest. And again, she wasn’t going to hold him to any commitment. She promised there’d be none.

The day she finally got back to work, guilt sit heavy in the pit of her stomach as her not boyfriend asked away how it went. As he sat and stared at her in awe, and as he did everything right. He was attentive. He was patient. He was  ** _patient_**. And he was committed. That Sunday that she started working again, he brought up his promise.

“Let’s watch that new dinosaur movie?” he finally asked.

She  _had_  told him she really wanted to date him. She  _had_  told him to make a list of movies they would watch once she got back. She  _had_  made it clear she wasn’t going to wait anymore, so he needed to get his act together instead of just saying how much he wanted to be with her. And how she regretted every word as he finally did, and she no longer felt the same.

She tried. Lord, how she tried. She smiled, and tried to be as attentive. But he didn’t captivate her anymore. He didn't run through her mind the way the intern did. She didn’t wonder what he was doing when they weren’t together, and she didn’t get dressed to impress on the off chance she would see him by his house. They did live pretty close after all.

After their third actual date, she tried to break it gently to him. She tried to tell him they really weren’t working, and that maybe he should look for someone else at his school instead. But he ignored her words, and planned their next date.

His smile seemed less brilliant, and his eyes sadder, but he still spoke with the same enthusiasm. He still remained attentive and asked if she was hungry. He asked if she wanted ice cream. He did what he could to make sure she remained happy. But she needed to be happy with only him it seemed. And she wanted him to be happy, but he couldn’t really be happy with her...

She knew, and so she withdrew.

She distanced herself, and became withdrawn. Not just with him but all their coworkers. Her family. Even with her friends! She looked over and over her pictures from her trip, and wished desperately to be back. She missed the peace of the mission. She missed the peace of working for the purpose of helping, and not just working to live. She missed having tangible goals that she could see real results with. And she missed not having, or more so feeling the obligation to make someone happy. 

She dropped out of her internship, feeling unworthy of the opportunity it would provide her, and further trapped herself where she had come to feel miserable. But no one could know. She didn’t even know herself why she made that decision, and regretted it the moment it was finalized.

Things were easier with the intern. The intern didn’t talk about the life he wanted with her, nor did he put all his dreams and expectations on her. He didn’t elevate her, and make her something she wasn’t. He just accepted her for who she was, and made it clear he thought she was special. Her  _now_  boyfriend in contrast did everything the opposite.

She tried to tell him. They weren’t working. They weren’t compatible. She wasn’t who he wanted. And though she never said it, she was unfaithful. If she was unfaithful before they were a couple, how would she act while in a true relationship?

She feared. Knowing of all the broken relationship in her family all torn apart by cheating spouse, typically by cheating women, she feared that she might end up doing the same too. And so, once she realized her ongoing sickness was more than just depression and more than just readjustments, she knew she had to put her foot down.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t keep pretending we’re working when we’re not.”

She steps forward, one hand still around her belly, but one hand immediately going up to cup his cheek. His eyes flutter closed for a second, but he winces just as quickly and tries to pull away. She doesn’t let him though as she immediately throws her up her arms around his neck and pulls his torso down towards her.

“We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to have a life together!”

“And I’m sorry, I know. But you derseve more. You deserve better. And this is a terrible way to tell you, but it’s the only way left.”

He begins crying into her neck, holding her tightly, not wanting to let go. Though she fears what he might do, she still pats his back and soothes him with gentleshhing. After he calms down a bit, she whispers to him.

“I love you, but I’m not  _in love_  with you. Please forgive me.”

Her own eyes shine with built up tears that she tries to keep back. She can’t cry. She can’t show weakness. He’ll take this as a sign that she might change her mind, but it’s too late. She already turned in her resignation letter and found another job. She made her choice. She made it that night, and she makes it now.

As she sniffles, wiping her nose with her sleeve, she shimmies past him and then walks to the nearest bathroom. After a few minutes of untamed tears, she cleans her face then says her goodbyes.

She had made a promise of no commitment to the other. She never made a promise of commitment to this one, though he assumed. But now, she does have a commitment. She does have a promise.

She will take care of her baby.

This baby is her baby.

This baby is her commitment.

This baby is no one else’s.

This baby is her hope. And this is a promise she will keep, and that she does make.

This time, though it hurts, it’s not hard to say goodbye.


End file.
